Category: Certifiable!
You Want to Know the Kind of Movies We Rented Before Movies-to-Go/Blockbuster?
As I was scrolling through my feed instead of dealing with yet ANOTHER meeting (we just got back from spring break–we had a meeting then!), this wonderful entry from Balladeer’s Blog jumped out at me like a like a big-ass Bible that’s been hastily repurposed as a storybook.
Look, I could tell you about how crazy the whole damn “movie” is, but why should I do it when you can read it from a much better blogger than I? Just don’t forget to live high on the hog in the witness protection program…
Welp, it’s time to come up with another movie to review…
As I was perusing all the other websites trying to come up with something for the next review (i.e. “borrowing ideas from more talented people than I”), I couldn’t help but notice that I need to come up with a REASON to write. If left to my own devices, I would be the Whitman’s Sampler of Bad Movie Blogs…wait, the Russell Stover of Bad Movie Blogs…uh, the whatever’s the best of that type of cheapo chocolate candy sampler thing desperate folks give significant others for V Day.
What with all the AI goodies they have nowadays, you’d think that I could whip out something in the style of (insert best blogs here…I’ve GOT to learn how to put a blog roll somewhere in here…do they still call them that? I’ve been old since 2005–an uber serious bout of heart failure/pneumonia will do that to you. I should’ve kept my Xanga Journal Chronicles of THAT whole mishegas!)
I should’ve known something was wrong–I wanted to wait until my 30th birthday…THEN I wanted to wait until my parents celebrated their anniversary on 7 December (yep…the anniversary of Pearl Harbor as well!) So, I waited until 8 December…but there was a goddamned snow and ice storm! Being the epitome of cheap, I claimed to my mother that I was going to WALK to the goddamned bus stop (icy roads/sidewalks/and downhill almost all the way!) Why pay $15 for a cab ride when I could pay $0 by using my college/staff pass? WIN-WIN!!!!
Of course, my mother merely chalked this up to the fact that I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since Thanksgiving; hadn’t eaten more than 800 calories per day since Satan knows when…and I was beginning to hallucinate. These weren’t those hallucinations where you think you see something in the corner of your eye…these were the type where you’d be having an extended conversation asking Larry Fine what it was like to pal around with Clint Eastwood, Edward G. Robinson, Phyllis Diller, Redd Foxx, Edy Williams (and also was Harry Cohn as big a putz as everyone said he was, and how he [Larry] felt about Moe’s son in law, Norman Maurer thinking he was the best actor and funniest comedian of all the Stooges…mind you, he was son in law to Moe and nephew in law to Shemp and Curly!)
It was around this time (with plenty of recovery time on my hands, when I started on my blogging of terrible movies. I came by this via my parents–the late 1970s and early 80s was a world where you had to watch SOMETHING after Wrestling at the Chase (we’ll forget what came on before that…Jerry Damn Falwell), boring talk shows, church crap on radio, OR, whatever terrible movies they were playing on KPLR-TV (Channel 11). But this was thirty years later, so I had South Park to help me along. Did I start my video collection of “Laughter is the Best Medicine” at this time, supplementing my aging Three Stooges videos that were peppered with commercials for The Waterbed Store (it looks like we see the end screen of a Shemp or Joe era short…and this was when it was still on those same reels from 1958), Becky (Queen of Carpet) and Wanda (Princess of Tile) along with a special surprise guest, one Mr. Steve Mizerany! Fantasy Jim Coachworks (whose commercials probably featured at least ONE someone I was familiar with); and later in the 90s, terrible, poorly acted, and out and out scams of “hot girls” you could talk to by calling “1-900-GIRL! Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone!” (This is a reasonable facsimilie thereof…)
That was a VERY convoluted way to tell you that 1: I need to find “new” terrible movies to review and 2: I need to figure out how to do a damn blogroll (or whatever they call that on WordPress.) This is also a convoluted way to tell you that sometimes I prefer watching/reading OTHER people review movies than do the “dirty work” myself. I mean, come on–that’s how I get my material for the few movies I do write about. How else would I have written about Savage Intruder (which has a degree of Stoogeration–Joe Besser as the tour bus driver).
Yes, this was a long-winded diatribe about my attempt to do a March Mayhem and Madness Blogathon where each and every obscure film will either be from the 1970s and have at least one degree of Stoogeration, or will be just a terrible junky exploitationer…with a degree of Stoogeration. I’ve got a little over two weeks to get some ideas together, so let’s hope I come up with something or other…
Horrorwe’en Day 18: (or, Why This List Sucks and Not Just Because the Three Stooges Are On It)
Welcome to one of my laziest posts of the season…which is fitting because this is one of the laziest subjects/videos I’ve seen in a WHILE (and I’ve been watching AI-created videos that sound everything out phonetically!) How is it lazy? Let me count the ways…
- W(hy)TF is everything in the public domain? If everything isn’t, I’m lazy, so I’m not gonna look.
- How are the Three Stooges on this list for a movie directed by EDWARD BERNDS?!?!? Pretty sure that film should be by one David Lowell Rich (Have Rocket, Will Travel). But to be fair, none of their movies should make it to this list. I’m not saying this as an uberfan, I’m saying this as a fan of olde-tymey slapstick teams. I wouldn’t place Utopia (Laurel and Hardy) here either (The Big Noise? Nope, not even that!)
- Give me information that I DON’T know, not something you probably got from Kenneth Anger or his non-union Mexican equivalent.
- Does the word “worst” even count anymore? Why is it “the worst?” Bad acting, boring, what? I can’t even think about a $3 budgeted movie as “worst” when there are movies that cost 500 times that much that stink to high heaven.
- The more time I think about the term “worst,” the more annoyed I become–maybe it’s because of the Medveds and their “Ed Wood’s the worst director EVAR!” trope–if anything, Wood could be a bit BORING. When I think “bad,” I want hilariously bad (see any of Rudy Ray Moore’s films…except Vampire Assassin).
Anyhoo–this is a lazy post for a lazy video. Enjoy!
OTD in 1993…(and the Man Who Would Be Stooge…)
As I have mentioned many times before, I recall hearing the news that Joe DeRita had died during a commercial break (while watching the Stooges, ironically enough)! I still don’t get the hate folks aim his way–I imagine I wouldn’t feel that great knowing that I was going to be renamed Curly-Joe; but I don’t think he “hated” the Stooges, he just didn’t like their style of comedy–and I can agree to disagree with him about it. Remember, this was a man who had had a career waaaay before he became a Stooge, so it was not like they got Joe Blow from Kokomo to be the Third Stooge. He had a name (in burlesque, no less), and being a “replacement” just because you were short, and fat (like the most popular stooge) would kinda suck. What did not suck, however, was the fact that Larry wanted him as a FULL partner, not just an “employee,” meaning he would get the same salary, the same benefits, the same everything. Now, whoever was the person who wanted him first (the story goes Larry saw him in Vegas and called him a “combination of Curly, Lou Costello, and the fat lady in the opera.”) However, in Moe’s autobiography, he had wanted him even after Shemp died (and wanted to buy out his contract with Minsky–look that one up, kids!) but of course, Columbia wanted whomever they still had under contract (even though they DID have DeRita under contract…once upon a time.)
Things were going like gangbusters until the late 1960s, with the kids from the 1950s growing into teens who probably wanted to go on to someone hipper… (uh, Tiny Tim?) their popularity was waning, and they decided to semi-retire, but not without their infamous swan song, Kook’s Tour. Now, when Tour was first thought of, it was 1965 and it was supposed to be a world tour by a trio of kooks. In 1970, ain’t nobody got time for gallivanting around the world and whatnot. Instead, they chose to stay closer to home…and go fishing… (insert some fans’ yawning sfx here).
What I’m NOT going to do is go into all the reasons why Kook’s Tour is supposedly the worst (or best) thing since sliced bread, but I will tell you that if another film they were set to do had been their actual swan song, I don’t even know how to describe all the feelings I’d have about it. Let me put it this way: if you are a fan of “so bad it’s good” films, then you know who Al Adamson and Sam Sherman are. As the story goes, Sherman and Adamson wanted to make a western spoof with olde-timey comedians they were fans of…and of course, the first team that came to mind was the Three Stooges. But there was a problem…by late 1974, there were only two Stooges, Moe and Curly-Joe. By the time rehearsals began in March, Larry had already been dead for over a month. So, what to do for the necessary Second Stooge?
Have no fear, Emil Sitka is here! He had been in Stooge films since the Curly era, was one of only two actors that had performed with ALL the different sets of Stooges (the other was “Tiny” Brauer), so there would be no need for lengthy rehearsals. As Sitka himself remembers it, “If Moe were here right now, he’d say we could create a scene right now” (paraphrased).
Unfortunately, The Jet Set (later called Blazing Stewardesses) was not to be. As the rehearsals progressed, Moe became weaker and weaker due to lung (or stomach) cancer and passed away on 4 May 1975. Apparently, Adamson and Sherman didn’t want the Two Stooges, so guess what they came up with?
The damn TWO Ritz Brothers! What was the difference between having two of one trio or two of another? Hell, if that’s the case, they could’ve dragged out Groucho and Zeppo if we want to have former trios that are now duos.
Okay, granted, there weren’t that many olde-timey comedy teams still around that could work with little rehearsal, hit their marks, and not cause the film to go over budget. So, if you want to see what could’ve been the Stooges’ last film, you can watch it over on the YouTubes,
If I Ever Wanted to Make a Dishonest Dollar…
If you have ever looked for a job, ever thought about looking for a job, or even had a dream about looking for a job, you’ve probably woken up with an inbox filled with “I CAN FIND YOU A JOB IMMEDIATELY MAKING 2000000$ AN HOUR, JUST CASH THIS ACTUAL CHECK AND THEN GO TO JAIL BECAUSE IT’S FAKE!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!!”
It probably looked something like this:
Makin’ It RAIN!!!!
From: tilobinti samuel jaranti <t.sjaranti@yahoo.com>
Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2022 4:41 PM
To: sucker@sucker.sucker.com
Subject: Equal possibility for Sucker J
Good day Sucker J! Home based job for USA Lawful Permanent Residents only!
I am an HR specialist and I have found your resume through recruiting agency.
We are searching for a commodity package handler for a part-time position with our company. Job responsibilities include review of contents of the packages that will be delivered to your home or office address. You will also need to write a product review on our dashboard and then ship the product to the destination.
No special knowledge is required to work on this position. You just need to be a attentive, honest and responsible person.
Monthly pay will be in the range of 4000 to 5000 USD.
If you are interested in this position, please let me know about that in your reply, I will email you the details.
a
And they want your money (or something) so badly that they didn’t even bother to finish the danged thing!
Here’s another, but this doesn’t have to do with a job…I don’t know what it has to deal with!
From: Dr.Selby Alan <quangns.ct@ninhbinh.gov.vn>
Sent: Friday, May 27, 2022 7:11 AM
Subject: Business Proposal
Dear Friend
I wish to introduce myself to you, I am Selby Alan Keith a British, also a contract staff of an offshore bank (The Lloyds Bank Plc) London office. I am the head of the Audit Department. I am pleased to get across to you for a very urgent and profitable business proposal which I believe will profit the both of us after completion. I contacted you after a careful thought that you might be capable of handling this business transaction, which I will explain below. The sum of £35,500,000.00GBP (Thirty Five Million Five Hundred Thousand Great British Pound Sterling) is floating unclaimed in my bank as all efforts to get across to the relatives of our client who deposited the money have hit the stones. There is this client Mr. Roger Ian Wright a US businessman, founder of a Sao Paulo-based investment company. On the 22nd of May 2009, Mr. Roger Ian Wright, his wife and his two children all died in a King Air B350 plane crash seaside resort town of Trancoso, in the state of Bahia.
All attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless. My position here at my office requires me to investigate and provide the Next of Kin, I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Roger Ian Wright did not declare any next of kin or relation in all his official documents, including his bank deposit paperwork in my bank. According to the British Law the money will revert to the ownership of the British government after 10yrs if nobody applies to claim the fund. To prevent this from happening I have decided to seek your assistance to have you stand as his next of kin so that the said fund (£35.5 Million Great British Pounds), would be released in your name as the next of kin and paid into your account. All documents and proof that will have you claim this fund without stress will be forwarded to you upon your response to this mail.
I intend to share it 50% for you while 50% for me. I shall send you the details and necessary procedures with which to make the transfer to your bank account.
Should you be interested? Please send me your:
* Full names
* Private phone number
* Current residential address
* Occupation
* Age
* Sex.
Reach me via my e-mail ID: selbyalankth@gmail.com
Your immediate response will be appreciated.
Kind Regards,
Dr. Selby Alan Keith
It’s interesting that this has worked so well for so long…maybe I ought to get into this to get a new car!
31 Days of Horror…Six Degrees of Stoogeration Style! (4) 1970s (4) 1970s films (3) 2016 presidential race (6) Adam West (5) applications (3) bad movies (10) Blazing Stewardesses (3) b movies (28) careless words (5) Coleman Francis (3) Columbia Short Subjects (3) crazy (14) Donald Trump (9) Ed Wood (3) Flesh Feast (3) Floridasploitation (6) Foodimentary (3) Hagsploitation (3) Halloween (4) Hillary Clinton (4) Horrorwe'en (10) If It's the Last Thing I Do! (3) If It's The Last Thing I Ever Do (3) Joe DeRita (4) John Carradine (3) Larry Buchanan (3) Larry Fine (17) lottery (3) March Movie Madness & Mayhem (4) Moe Howard (19) Nazisploitation (3) Powerball (3) RiffTrax (3) Shemp Howard (3) Star Trek (6) Ted Cruz (3) The Jet Set (3) the Three Stooges (46) The Zombies (4) Unemployment (7) Veronica Lake (4) Who loves ya baby? (5) William Shatner (4) YouTube (3)
March Movie Madness & Mayhem, Day 31
The 5 Worst Monsters of the 1970s Horror Film
via The 5 Worst Monsters of the 1970s Horror Film – Flashbak
May as well end the month on a “list.” This time, it’s the 5 worst monsters of the 1970s…in horror. It’s from the folks at Flashbak, so you know it’s good. Enjoy, and make sure you watch the best worst movie you can think of this weekend. It’s been a pretty fun ride, but if I ever do this again, I will try to talk myself out of it. Blogging is harder than I thought! 😉 But it was fun to add to my bad movie repertoire, and I may do it for the various Halloween blogathons that dot the interwebs. To quote one of the movies listed above, “Well…”
March Madness & Movie Mayhem, Day 29 (or, How to Catch a Killer for $13,000…)
via TEMPLE OF SCHLOCK: Zodiac Hunter: An Interview with Tom Hanson
An interesting interview with a fascinating man–you’ll get the ins and outs of making truly shoestring budgeted movies ($13,000 in 1971 still didn’t add up to much! To compare: The Three Stooges beat-em-to-the-punch short You Nazty Spy! cost 2-3 times as much in 1939 dollars!) You’ll also learn that they may have had the killer in their hands, but he slipped away. You’ll also get the ins and outs of running a pizza franchise! Enjoy, and also read the rest of the stuff at the Temple of Schlock.
March Madness & Movie Mayhem, Day 27 (or, How Ed Wood Isn’t the World’s Worst Director)
via Ed Wood: Not Actually The Worst Director in History | Den of Geek
How did Ed Wood get the title of “World’s Worst Director?” (Then again, we’d also have to ask how William “One Shot” Beaudine was at least the runner-up, even though he was once a highly regarded director.) Of course, we can put most of the blame on the doorstep of the Medveds, who deemed Ed “the worst” with their Golden Turkey tome. I can only imagine that they hadn’t seen very many movies from the period they were in, because NONE of the Dolomite movies made the cut, but Trouble Man did?! Why not just throw Super Fly and Shaft in there too, since we’re complaining about blaxploitation films with kick-ass soundtracks…
Anyhoo, where was I going with this? Oh, that Ed Wood wasn’t the world’s worst director–far from it. I can name at least THREE worse directors off the top of my head: Bill Rebane/Herschell Gordon Lewis (Monster-A-Go-Go/Terror at Half Day); Larry Buchanan (Zontar: The Thing From Venus); Coleman Francis (all three of his films); Doris Wishman (Double Agent 73, Let Me Die a Woman); Ted V. Mikels (The Girl in Gold Boots, The Doll Squad)…the list is literally endless!
I think the problem lies with Ed Wood’s films being better than “so bad they’re good.” There’s something about Wood’s films, even the cringetastic Orgy of the Dead and The Revenge of Dr. X that makes them watchable. You’re not yelling at the screen at the stupidity of the writing. (The CLUNKINESS, maybe, but not the stupidity!)
Anyhoo, take a look around the site and enjoy the Den of Geek!
March Madness & Movie Mayhem, Day 26! Mr. No Legs – 1979 – Review
via Mr. No Legs – 1979 – Review
If you have lots of free time on your hands, take a look at the wonderful time-wasting site The Worst Movies Ever Made. Now, “worst” is in the eye of the beholder, but holy gee whiz…this one’s bad. Not even the ever-present John Agar or Richard Jaeckel can help this turkey. And when you finally get to see the title character, look out!
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