If I Ever Wanted to Make a Dishonest Dollar…

If you have ever looked for a job, ever thought about looking for a job, or even had a dream about looking for a job, you’ve probably woken up with an inbox filled with “I CAN FIND YOU A JOB IMMEDIATELY MAKING 2000000$ AN HOUR, JUST CASH THIS ACTUAL CHECK AND THEN GO TO JAIL BECAUSE IT’S FAKE!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!!”

It probably looked something like this:

Makin’ It RAIN!!!!

From: tilobinti samuel jaranti <t.sjaranti@yahoo.com>
Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2022 4:41 PM
To: sucker@sucker.sucker.com
Subject: Equal possibility for Sucker J

Good day Sucker J! Home based job for USA Lawful Permanent Residents only!

I am an HR specialist and I have found your resume through recruiting agency.

We are searching for a commodity package handler for a part-time position with our company. Job responsibilities include review of contents of the packages that will be delivered to your home or office address. You will also need to write a product review on our dashboard and then ship the product to the destination.

No special knowledge is required to work on this position. You just need to be a attentive, honest and responsible person.

Monthly pay will be in the range of 4000 to 5000 USD.

If you are interested in this position, please let me know about that in your reply, I will email you the details.

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And they want your money (or something) so badly that they didn’t even bother to finish the danged thing!

Here’s another, but this doesn’t have to do with a job…I don’t know what it has to deal with!


From: Dr.Selby Alan <quangns.ct@ninhbinh.gov.vn>
Sent: Friday, May 27, 2022 7:11 AM
Subject: Business Proposal

Dear Friend

I wish to introduce myself to you, I am Selby Alan Keith a British, also a contract staff of an offshore bank (The Lloyds Bank Plc) London office. I am the head of the Audit Department. I am pleased to get across to
you for a very urgent and profitable business proposal which I believe will profit the both of us after completion. I contacted you after a careful thought that you might be capable of handling this business transaction, which I will explain below. The sum of £35,500,000.00GBP (Thirty Five Million Five Hundred Thousand Great British Pound Sterling) is floating unclaimed in my bank as all efforts to get across to the relatives of our client who deposited the money have hit the stones. There is this client Mr. Roger Ian Wright a US businessman, founder of a Sao Paulo-based investment company. On the 22nd of May 2009, Mr. Roger Ian Wright, his wife and his two children all died in a King Air B350 plane crash seaside resort town of Trancoso, in the state of Bahia.

All attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless. My position here at my office requires me to investigate and provide the Next of Kin, I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Roger Ian Wright did not declare any next of kin or relation in all his official documents, including his bank deposit paperwork in my bank. According to the British Law the money will revert to the ownership of the British government after 10yrs if nobody applies to claim the fund. To prevent this from happening I have decided to seek your assistance to have you stand as his next of kin so that the said fund (£35.5 Million Great British Pounds), would be released in your name as the next of kin and paid into your account. All documents and proof that will have you claim this fund without stress will be forwarded to you upon your response to this mail.

I intend to share it 50% for you while 50% for me. I shall send you the details and necessary procedures with which to make the transfer to your bank account.

Should you be interested? Please send me your:

* Full names
* Private phone number
* Current residential address
* Occupation
* Age
* Sex.

Reach me via my e-mail ID: selbyalankth@gmail.com

Your immediate response will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Dr. Selby Alan Keith

It’s interesting that this has worked so well for so long…maybe I ought to get into this to get a new car!

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Have Gun? Have Rocket? Have Position? Will Travel!

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Whether it’s a quick drawing Richard Boone (Google that, kids!) or,

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a quickly made, high grossing comeback film, I suppose you could say that being a temp worker can be defined as “Have Position? Will Travel!”  It can give you a feeling of overwhelm, anxiety, joy, exhilaration, and a deep feeling of “Why didn’t I try this before?  What was I thinking?”

If you have held a position at a company for more than 10 years and suddenly find yourself on the outside looking in (aka: unemployed), temping could give you the shot in the confidence arm you so sorely need. (And trust me, you’ll need it!)

Degree of Stoogeration between Richard Boone and the Stooges?  Four.  One of the main writers for “Have Gun, Will Travel” was Gene Roddenberry of “Star Trek” fame.  The star of “Star Trek”? (One of many!) William Shatner.  Shortly before becoming Captain Kirk, Shatner had a starring role in an unsold TV pilot–“Alexander.” His co-star?  One Adam West, who starred in the Stooges’ Columbia swan song, 1965’s “The Outlaws IS Coming!”

Isn’t history fun?

Job Fair?! More Like Job UNfair!

Image I attended one of many job fairs on my calendar yesterday, and somehow THIS outing made me more cynical.  More cynical than arriving at one venue and being told that there was a misprint on the calendar.  More than hearing the term “good fit.” More than…well, you get the idea.

Truthfully, I don’t know why I expected anything different–it’s not like I haven’t been to this dance before, but maybe it was the combination of being cold, the return of the Poppin’ Fresh® left foot (thanks medicine!) and the (ahem) lack of opportunity made me more than a little angry.  Then again, I’m sure it was the smell of panic and desperation that hung over the cafeteria like boiled cabbage that colored my thoughts.

That being said, there’s one other job fair (pfft!) scheduled for my personal Waterloo, Florissant Valley Community College next week.  Now, I’m not psychic, but I may face the same problem there—but at least the buses run regularly (instead of weird, off-kilter schedules…)

Each and every day that goes by makes me wonder if anyone knows how to really find a job…

Brother, Can You Spare a Job?

 

I have a riddle for you—or maybe it’s a question…whatever.

What’s the difference between a cover letter and standing on a corner begging for money?  Chances are, the person on the corner isn’t delusional enough to believe that they aren’t begging.  Can you say the same?

Call it what you want, but we’re basically BEGGING people to pay attention to us, to offer us a job, to at least let us get in the door so we can do our begging in person.  You can say that you want to WOW that employer all you want to, but it’s nothing more than begging for an employment bone.  It’s depressing as hell, but I can’t think of anything else to call it.  Your cover letter is basically an expensive begging letter.  You’re telling the employer that you’re so great, you’re the perfect person for the job.  Perhaps you are—but think about it from the employer’s or hiring manager’s point of view, or perhaps even your own.  Do you pay attention to salespeople who come on too strong?  Do you pay attention to the salespeople who swarm over you as soon as you enter the store and won’t let you take a breath?  Of course you don’t—so why do you think that this method will magically work when YOU do it?

I know, I know—it’s because YOU’RE so special, YOU’RE so great, and YOU can make this company (or whatever you’re applying for) into the greatest company ever!  When you think about it this way, it’s a wonder that ANYBODY ever becomes employed—or that you were able to impress anyone to even give you a job.

Reading various websites, sharpening up your LinkedIn profile, attending webinars, putting yourself out there…where has that gotten you?  Are you still sitting in front of your computer screen, wondering why you’ve applied to over 200 positions, and yet have only gone to 6 interviews?  Is there something inherently WRONG with the entire job search process?  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that yes, there is something rotten in Denmark, and that in order to get a job before your unemployment runs out, you’ll need to find out what it is.  Do I have any answers?  Pfft!  If I did, I’d have an actual job and wouldn’t be wasting my time cranking out this crap.  The End.

Be Positive?! (Expletive Deleted)!!!!

ImageStay Positive? (Expletive Deleted)!!!!

 Who said can’t?  Apparently everyone who’s seen my resume.

One of the problems of unemployment is the HUGE industry of “experts” who claim that with their super duper product, you’ll have to beat potential employers off with sticks.  Er, yeah… Perhaps I’m in the wrong business.  Instead of trying to get a job, perhaps I should throw MY hat in the unemployment expert ring.  Hell, I’ve got a background in psychology, a snarky attitude, and am getting restless and disappointed with the various bits of “advice” that the “experts” have given me.

Here’s MY advice—take it from an EXPERT:  when you receive your notice, prepare for the long haul.  Figure out how much unemployment insurance you’ll get, and for how long.  Prepare to use ALL of that amount, and probably even more.  Now, that doesn’t sound as Pollyanna as the “experts”, but I’m being practical.  Prepare to use EVERYTHING!

Make “Money back guarantee” your middle name—try various programs “experts” are selling, but DO NOT BUY!!!  I know, that’s somewhat dishonest, but once you’ve seen some of this “advice”, you’ll thank me for not spending hard-earned (and limited) money chasing yet another fluffy “experts” advice on how to stand out from the crowd.

And speaking of crowds—there are many, many “experts” giving advice on how to stand out…and what they advise…doesn’t make you stand out.  Peggy McKee of Career Confidential states that you should use a 30-60-90 day plan to wow interviewers.  Here’s my problem…no one is INTERVIEWING ME!!!!  It’s hard to show off my wonderful plan (and yes, I do have one), if I can’t even get in the door!  My God—am I such a potential liability that no one’s even NOTICING my resume?  (My $200 resume, I might add…I might have to use the “money back guarantee” on that one!)

To make a long rant slightly shorter—listen to this “expert” when she says that it’s impossible to stay positive for an extended amount of time, and that it’s perfectly natural to be angry, express disbelief that some people have jobs and you don’t, and how politicians of both persuasions manage to look like idiots and still get re-elected.  Perhaps I should become a politician…nah, I feel badly enough about myself.  Becoming a politician would just make me feel worse!

“Somebody’s crazy, and it’s not you!”

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When you’re looking for work, you’ve got to prepare yourself for insults to your intelligence.  Whether it’s four reminders of how to dress for an interview, the type of e-mail address to place on your resume (“No cute/joke/interesting addresses, please.”), to turns of (useless) phrases such as “Good luck,” “Best wishes,” and “Good luck with your job search.”  YOU’RE UNEMPLOYED! I THINK GOOD LUCK AND BEST WISHES HAVE GONE THE WAY OF YOUR JOB…THERE’S NO GOOD LUCK AND BEST WISHES!!!!!

Ahem, now that that’s out of the way…

I woke up this morning to insults–open an e-mail (from the ever popular Careerealism) that states I should cut down on my spending now that I’m unemployed.

No! (shocked voice)

I had no idea I should cut down on ANYTHING whilst looking for work.  And here I was, planning to catch the bus to head down to the Career Center.  Well, now I know I should WALK those 8 miles.  I would buy a bike, but I can’t buy anything, being unemployed and all.  I should also cut out any creature comforts, such as that gym membership, those Sennheiser headphones (the $1,000 pair I had my eye on), that Technics turntable (a mere $600!) and a plasma TV.

(Excuse me while I roll my eyes.)

Far be it for me to assume anything (we know where that’ll get you!) but I would like to think that if you’re unemployed and making significantly less money, you might just do these things already.  I don’t know–apparently people like spending money they don’t have during times of economic “recovery.”

Look, people feel crappy enough looking for work, and insulting their intelligence is not going to help.  If anything, they’ll spend MORE (as in more for alcohol, etc., to drown their sorrows).  Don’t insult the unemployed/underemployed–we feel crappy enough as it is.