Could YOU Get a Job With No Experience?

As you know, there’s been an election, an inauguration, and several press conferences with our new president. If he was analyzed as a hiring manager would analyze you, chances are he wouldn’t even have gotten in the door due to the other, more experienced job seekers (I’m talking about ALL the candidates, so don’t even try it with the “BLAH COULD’VE WON! I ain’t here for that!)

I’ve gone on soooo many interviews. Some were great! Some were terrible! A lot were meh. A few (approximately 3-4) were uber-excellent and felt like I was already in that job. Feeling and being are two different things. Only one of the uber-excellent interviews led to a job, so even though the interviewer has positive things to say, there’s always going to be that other person who may be better, may look better, may appeal to the hiring people more, etc. (Yes, we’re getting into a whole netherworld of “Did I not get hired just because someone didn’t like me?!” but you’re adults. Sometimes you don’t get the job you’re the best fit for. If you’ve got proof of questionable hiring practices, then get on it. If you’ve got nothing, well, that’s life in the big city. Suck it up and keep going.)

I bring this up because if I were a hiring manager, there’s no way in the WORLD I would’ve let our president get further than File 13. Before you say, “Libtard,” I’mma shut you up right now. You would have to be blind, deaf, mentally deficient, and insane to think that the various rantings of the world’s worst winner make a great president, no matter the party. From the least anti-Semite to the all blacks know each other and the broken record that is Hillary, the blame game, Obama, and “I have the most electoral votes EVER!” (How he ignored Reagan’s thorough CRUSHING of Mondale, I don’t know.); Trump (or as I like to call him, The Loaded 45) is just not fit to handle…some things. Two state solution? Meh, they’ll work it out. (??!!!) Did you hear about how many votes I got! I still think I got more–we should investigate! No, I’ve never been to Russia. (Shown photos of visits to Russia). FAKE NEWS!

Am I saying we should have a “do-over” (like sooooo many others are saying)? Of course not. We broke it, we bought it. We should have to wallow in our accident on the carpet for all four (or eight!) years, because, well…remember how successful the whole “birther” movement was in removing Obama? Yeah.

No, we are stuck with a testy man child for at least 4 years. So no matter if you think the Russians put him in office; he has ties to the Russian Mafia; is suffering from end-stage syphilitic brain swelling from his sex tours to Vietnam; is a draft dodger (hey, it’s Bill Clinton!); is a rapist/womanizer/serial cheater (hey, it’s Bill Clinton!); is full of crap (hey, it’s … you get the idea).

So unless you come up with a Watergate, Contragate, Monicagate, or Rosneft…gate (they’re trying!) America will do what America does best: bitch out the other side for being horrible. Well, the joke’s on you–YOU’RE ALL TERRIBLE! (But like Animal Farm, some terrible is worse than other terrible…sometimes.)

Fine For President! Don’t blame me, I voted for Larry Fine!

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Loose Lips Sink Ships (and Employment!)

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Today begins my 2.5 (or so) month anniversary at my super-secret assignment. Before November 30, I had gone through roughly 8 months of unemployment (er, being between between engagements), largely due to a “joke” I made to someone during an assignment I’d gotten in April (only a week and a half after the ASSIGNMENT FROM HELL!!!!111!)

She asked what me what my plans were, where I’d applied, what I want to do with the rest of my life (she also made a crack about “Don’t you want a real job, instead of temping? No, of course not! I just LOOOOOOVE the extra special feeling of uncertainty that temping can bring, so thanks for asking!) I stated that I’d taken my civil service exams three years in a row (90, 94, and 95 so far!), but I was waiting to hear back about any possible interviews (make note of that word…interviews. You don’t get job offers, you get job interview offers). Anyhoo, I make the “joke,” and since we were the only two people in the whole room, I feel safe in assuming that she was the one that blabbed to the manager, and of course, I was called in and questioned about it. I stated that no, I had no offers from anyone, no interviews, no prospects, no nothing. She didn’t believe me, and of course, she had a conference to go to in the Catskills, Ozarks, Brokeback Mountains, whatever, so I didn’t get a chance to speak my peace.

Of course, I received a call from the recruiter, asking me what I’d said. Again, I simply told her I’d made a joke about the slowness of the Civil Service and how you’re placed on a waiting list just for the possibility even getting an interview. The recruiter stated that it’d be best to keep my cards close to my vest (hell, I didn’t have any cards, nor did I have a vest) but I feel that I must thank you, yes, you, Ms. Meghan Vault, from the bottom of my apparently job-filled heart for extending my unemployment (er, between engagements) FOR EIGHT OF THE WORST MONTHS THAT I HAVE EVER, AND I MEAN EVER, EXPERIENCED! Worse than pneumonia. They were worse than the flu. They were worse than double pneumonia. They were worse than the time I was on Toprol XL and it gave me seizures. It was worse than the time I was on Benicar and was feverish, achy, and nauseous for the last two semesters of that job in my other life. In short, Ms. Vault, loose lips sink ships. Or in my case, sink employment. I know that you probably won’t read this unless you Google your name, but I cannot let this go any longer—getting it out on the page makes me feel a little better. (It’s similar to when a huge SUV is suddenly bearing down upon you as the driver’s looking down at a phone and stuffing his mouth with fries. Honking the horn does little good, but it makes you feel better.)

I’m not Nixon, so you’re not on my “Enemies List.” Just make sure that when a co-worker tells you something, don’t go blabbing it to all and sundry before you get your facts straight, okay?

Thanks!

Happy Anniversary!

Anniversary cake!!!!
Anniversary cake!!!!

Right now, the United States has the most available jobs in 8 years. Now is the time to polish your resume, make sure your skill sets are up to date and apply to the jobs you’re interested in! Use Local Job Service to locate jobs in your local area right now and see what jobs are currently available.

LIARS! Every job posting seems to be nothing more than a black hole to suck resumes into the ether. I have networked, seminared, and cyber-stalked to no avail.  Tomorrow’s my six-month anniversary…of unemployment! Eat a piece of cake for me, will you? (I’m not fond of cake–I’ll be eating an anniversary apple or something.)

I must be missing something in this whole job search thing. I have to be, right? WHY ISN’T ANYONE HIRING???? (Or, more importantly, WHY ISN’T ANYONE HIRING ME???!!!??)

what if you don’t have a passion?

Apparently networking's like dating, I guess...
Apparently networking’s like dating, I guess…

The “w” is in lower case due to the lack of passion.

Tomorrow, I shall go to another meeting of the Networking Job Club (that’s what I’m calling it) in order to network, help others, and just DO something because looking for work via temp agencies, job boards, etc., IS NOT WORKING. What with all this stuff about hidden jobs, I don’t stand a chance if I don’t network!

So tomorrow morning, I’ll be lying back thinking of England (Hertsfordshire!)

Day 2 of Scams R Us! (aka There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute)

I'll take my eggs scrambled!
I’ll take my eggs scrambled!

At least this time the job sound slightly more legitimate. Not much more, though.

We unemployed are such a huge market for scammers…it’s amazing!

Dear applicant,

Congratulations!!..Your Application/Resume for the job position of Front Desk Receptionist/Scheduler have been advertised online, received,reviewed on snagajobs.com and was forwarded to the head of operation (Mr Arrington Greenwood) He would be conducting an online interview with you to discuss the Job Details, Pay Scale, Benefits and company etc.

You are to set up a screen name with Yahoo Instant Messenger or Google Hangout and add up the company’s Hiring Manager’s ID to your buddy list, yahoo screen name(mrarrington.greenwood@yahoo.com) Or Google Hang Out ID (arrington.greenwood12@gmail.com) and instant message him for an online interview/briefing.

The schedule time for the interview/briefing exercise is (Wednesday/9/9/2015, 8:am-4:pm) You are to be available on Yahoo Messenger or Google Hangout by 8:am for the interview, Your swift and timely response matters to these position a lot as the job interview commence by 8:am. We look forward to having you on the team.

Please acknowledge this email.

Regards,
Hiring Department

So…It’s only been 5 months and 5 days?

Only 158 days?! That's unpossible!
Only 158 days?! That’s unpossible!

Yep. Five months and five days, with no end in sight. There’s got to be a way to find a job without having that large of a network.  Just about everyone I know is at my longest place of employment. There aren’t any jobs at said place. There aren’t any jobs at ANY place, and even the jobs that I was “promised” seems to have disappeared. (E-mails have bounced, and phone numbers/calls have gone unanswered.) You don’t have to tell ME twice!

Anyhoo, here’s to re-writing my resume (AGAIN!) and working on my interview skills! Hooray for me!

10 Ways to Get the Interviewer to Notice You (or, Why Don’t You Call Me Back?)

My kosher patron saint of Unemployment
My kosher patron saint of Unemployment

You know when you go to the doctor, and there’s something wrong with you, they usually tell you what it is. You have an idea that something may be wrong, that’s why you went to the doctor! However, this doesn’t occur in the world of interviewing. No matter how polite the request, chances are you will be ignored.

“Huh. You seem to have a hand growing out of your, er, butt.” (That’s a perfectly cromulent medical-type word!)
“Yes! I do! What’s wrong with me?!”
“Yeah, well, we’ll call you back…”
“WHEN?!!!”
(Mumbling) “Uh, the 33rd of Octember.”

You’d immediately go to the local news channels, Twitter, Facebook, and every other social media platform to warn one and all to stay away from Drs. Howard, Fine and Howard.
So why don’t we do that for interviewers? Yes, there’s Glassdoor, but aside from posting there or giving them a bad Yelp review, there’s no repercussions for bad interview etiquette. After all, there are so many others looking for work, just because YOU have a terrible experience…well…

So, until I figure out a way to creatively find a way to get interviewer feedback, it looks like I’m stuck with “Thanks but no thanks!”