I need to find a way to persuade lots of people to part with their money (for exceptional services that I provide) so I can retire. I never thought that $70/week sounded GOOD, but I seem to have a tic, and my right shoulder feels odd. If it’s a stroke, then I won’t have to worry about working. Sure, I could be a vegetable, but I wouldn’t KNOW that I was a vegetable! See? WIN-WIN!!!
Also, parents are the WORST! Seriously–this isn’t MY DAY, when dinosaurs and turntables roamed the earth. Kids have CELLPHONES! (not beepers!) WHY DON’T YOU CALL YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE SNOWFLAKES BEFORE YOU HAVE ME CALLING HEADS OF SECURITY AND THEN THANK GOD THAT THEY WERE FOUND.
YOUR GOD DID NOTHING. I FOUND THEM. GET ON YOUR SCABBY KNEES AND PRAY TO ME!!!!!
In other news…THERE IS NO OTHER NEWS!