Well, I guess you CAN’T wipe your ass with it…

Image...unless you were in the woods (or like this gentleman) and you had no choice. 

The “it” I’m referring to is, of course, your handy-dandy keyword filled resume.  This could also refer to any and all of your degrees.  These days, more than ever I’m reminded of what I’ve been told by not one, but two piano teachers:

“Don’t talk. Play!”

Just as talking about Bach’s Toccata and Fugue means nothing without illustration, the same is true for your resume.  To get us started, I’ll post my cover letter and resume here so we can all get a good laugh.


September 11, 2013

 Ms. Jane D’oh!

Talent Acquisition Specialist

Randstad USA

West Park II Building

12647 Olive Boulevard

Suite 590

St. Louis, MO 63141


Dear Ms. D’oh!:


I would like to thank you for providing me with the opportunity to interview for the Administrative Support position currently available within your company.  Having gained a deeper insight into the job requirements, I am confident that you will find me to be an incredible asset toward achieving your goals.


As previously discussed, I am a performance-driven professional who offers almost 20 years of experience in Administrative / Business Support, Project Management, Filing / Data Entry, Strategic Analysis / Planning, Process Improvement, and Data / Recordkeeping, as well as expertise with Student / Business Relations, Supplies Inventories, Invoices / Purchase Orders, Reports Generation, Work Prioritization, and Multiline Telephone Management.  Please recall that I attained a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from the University of Missouri – St. Louis and an Associate of Arts in Music from St. Louis Community College at Florissant Valley.


Throughout my career, I have excelled in administrative support roles for St. Louis Community College and STLCC’s Florissant Valley campus where I applied my myriad of talents toward meeting and / or exceeding academic-based administrative objectives, increasing organizational efficiency, cost-effectively handling inventories and supplies ordering, supporting top-performing office teams, and cultivating a strong school / departmental image delivering superior quality and exemplary services.  For these reasons, I am confident that I can achieve success in a rewarding Administrative support role within various companies.

 Should you have any additional questions, please feel free to contact me at your earliest convenience.  I would like to extend my thanks once again for the enlightening interview, and look forward to a positive response from you.

 And here’s the main course–my wond’rous resume!  Notice that it sounds like EVERYONE ELSE’S, and solves NO PROBLEMS!

Enthusiastic team player eager to offer dynamic office administration, data / records management, process improvement, and customer relations talents toward maximizing your success within a growth-oriented role.

 Profile of Qualifications

 Administrative Operations • Strategic Analysis / Planning • Data / Recordkeeping • Files Management

Invoices / Purchase Orders • Supplies Inventory • Student / Business Relations • Reports Generation

Project Management • Process Improvement • Work Prioritization • Multiline Telephone Management


  • Solutions-focused professional who offers a quick-learning nature to succeed in diverse academic areas.
  • Integral team player who plans, prioritizes, and completes various tasks within fast-paced environments.
  • Excellent communicator who seamlessly interfaces among customers, administrators, professors, students, and the public.
  • Ambitious self-starter who expertly handles confidential data responsibilities while maintaining high-quality services.

 Career Highlights

 Created innovative PowerPoint presentations used for informing faculty and students about upcoming campus events.

  • Successfully planned, organized, and executed all aspects of a major departmental move without disruption to service.
  • Recognized for job excellence with a receipt of a merit raise for strong attention-to-detail and top departmental services.
  • Spearheaded the implementation of a new music filing system while maintaining all up-to-date organizational charts.
  • Developed and implemented the music department’s first employee manual outlining all proper office-wide policies.
  • Increased student attendance by effectively advertising and marketing wide-ranging campus events via multiple methods.
  • Optimized office efficiency by designing electronic file systems to improve accessibility to student / department records.

 Professional Synopsis


St. Louis Community College at Florissant Valley, St. Louis, MO                             Jan. 2012 – May 2013

 Administrative Clerk II – Humanities Department

  • Utilized broad scope of industry knowledge toward directing all facets of administrative support operations, including handling reception duties, dispersing incoming mail to correct office recipients, and receiving and distributing faxes.
  • Expertly compiled and maintained records of departmental transactions, and handled all data and files management.
  • Cost-effectively managed all merchandise and services orders, including ordering supplies and maintaining inventory.
  • Ensured seamless office efforts by properly routing agreements, contracts, and invoices through signature processes.

 St. Louis Community College at Florissant Valley, St. Louis, MO                           Aug. 1993 –Dec.  2011

 Administrative Clerk II – Communications Department

  • Strategically steered administrative operations for a fast-paced communications department, including drafting meeting agendas, supplying advanced materials, and executing all follow-ups for departmental meetings and team conferences.
  • Developed and maintained large-scale spreadsheets using advanced Excel functions and calculations to develop reports.
  • Maximized use of resources to meet departmental goals by scheduling advising appointments and managing schedules.
  • Contributed solid communication skills toward planning and presenting campus tours for visiting music performers.
  • Played a vital role in supporting department by tutoring music students in piano and music theory, history, and literature.


 Bachelor of Arts in Psychology (Psychopharmacology Emphasis, Sociology Minor)

University of Missouri – St. Louis

 Associate of Arts in Music

St. Louis Community College at Florissant Valley

And there it is, in all its $200 glory.  Man, do I feel gypped!  Live and learn, I guess.  Notice that there’s nothing about what I can do for a potential employer.  If I was sending this in for a teaching position, I’d have my recital programs, examples of reports, etc.  For an administrative position, I have…this.

Yeah.  It’s time to get cracking on some examples of how I can solve a potential employer’s problems–after all, it IS how I got my previous positions.  With each, I solved a problem, and was apparently a breath of fresh air in the last one.  Of course that fresh breath turned to halitosis after a while, but hey, good fit and all.

So, for my next interview (November 14th!), I plan to have a plan that will solve the company’s problems, come hell or high water!


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